Pedophile-hugger, Call of Duty Mission Enthusiast and the True President of USA taking on American Sanity
NSPM-7, Church Shooting, Shaman Lawsuits, and Ted Cruz’s Accidental Hug for Pedophiles: A Week in American Sanity
In a bold move to protect the homeland from the scourge of left-wing yoga instructors and gender studies majors, President Donald Trump signed National Security Presidential Memorandum 7 (NSPM-7), a directive so serious it’s not even an executive order — it’s a super-secret, ultra-rare Pokémon of government paperwork.
Homeland Security advisor Stephen Miller hailed it as “the first time in American history that there is an all-of-government effort to dismantle left-wing terrorism,” which apparently includes anyone who’s ever said capitalism is kinda meh or prefers oat milk.
NSPM-7 empowers the Justice Department, FBI, and your local neighborhood watch to preemptively disrupt political violence before it happens — Minority Report style. Indicators of potential terror include anti-Americanism, anti-Christianity, and the unforgivable crime of being rude to people who think Leave It to Beaver was a documentary.
Meanwhile, in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, a man who once politely ranted about Mormons being the antichrist decided to take his theological critique to the next level by driving his American-flag-adorned truck into a church, opening fire, and setting the building ablaze. Authorities identified the suspect as Thomas Jacob Sanford, a Marine veteran who apparently mistook Sunday service for a Call of Duty mission. Improvised explosives were found at the scene, because nothing says “targeted violence” like gasoline and patriotism.
The FBI has taken over the investigation, presumably to determine whether Sanford’s hostility toward religious institutions qualifies as “leftist extremism” or just good old-fashioned American chaos. No word yet on whether he was flagged by NSPM-7’s “anti-Christianity” algorithm, but he did own flags, so he might be safe.
Elsewhere in the multiverse, Jacob Chansley — the QAnon Shaman and part-time cosplay enthusiast — filed a $40 trillion lawsuit against Donald Trump, Elon Musk, T-Mobile, Warner Bros., and the State of Israel. In his 26-page single-paragraph manifesto, Chansley declared himself the true president and proposed minting a $40 trillion gold coin to pay off the national debt. He also accused the NSA of catfishing him as actress Michelle Rodriguez to recruit him for interdimensional shamanic duties. The lawsuit alleges that Hollywood plagiarized his ideas for Avatar and The Dark Knight, which is frankly insulting to both franchises.
Chansley, once a loyal Trump supporter, turned on the president after he failed to release the Epstein files. He was pardoned earlier this year, along with 1,500 other “patriots,” in what historians will surely refer to as the Great Cosplay Amnesty of 2025.
And finally, Senator Ted Cruz, in a moment of rhetorical gymnastics, called for bipartisan unity to “stop attacking pedophiles.” While he likely meant to say “stop pedophiles,” the slip was enough to send the internet into a frenzy. Cruz, undeterred, pivoted to crime stats, touting Trump’s crackdown in D.C. where homicides are down 58%, robberies 57%, and awkward Senate hearings up 100%.
Conclusion:
In this week’s episode of “America: The Reality Show,” we learned that pre-crime is patriotic, church arson is just misunderstood activism, shamans are suing for trillions while channeling Michelle Rodriguez, and Ted Cruz might need a grammar coach. As NSPM-7 rolls out its anti-leftist psychic profiling, one can only hope it includes a clause for “extremism in sentence structure.” Because if we’re going to arrest people for dangerous ideas, we might want to start with whoever greenlit this timeline.
Stay tuned next week when Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces a bill to replace the Constitution with a Chick-fil-A menu and the Pentagon launches a task force to investigate whether TikTok dances are coded messages from the Illuminati.
Author: Mel Reese
EMAIL ADDRESS:
melreese72[at]outlook[dot]com
NSPM-7, Church Shooting, Shaman Lawsuits, and Ted Cruz’s Accidental Hug for Pedophiles: A Week in American Sanity
In a bold move to protect the homeland from the scourge of left-wing yoga instructors and gender studies majors, President Donald Trump signed National Security Presidential Memorandum 7 (NSPM-7), a directive so serious it’s not even an executive order — it’s a super-secret, ultra-rare Pokémon of government paperwork.
Homeland Security advisor Stephen Miller hailed it as “the first time in American history that there is an all-of-government effort to dismantle left-wing terrorism,” which apparently includes anyone who’s ever said capitalism is kinda meh or prefers oat milk.
NSPM-7 empowers the Justice Department, FBI, and your local neighborhood watch to preemptively disrupt political violence before it happens — Minority Report style. Indicators of potential terror include anti-Americanism, anti-Christianity, and the unforgivable crime of being rude to people who think Leave It to Beaver was a documentary.
Meanwhile, in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, a man who once politely ranted about Mormons being the antichrist decided to take his theological critique to the next level by driving his American-flag-adorned truck into a church, opening fire, and setting the building ablaze. Authorities identified the suspect as Thomas Jacob Sanford, a Marine veteran who apparently mistook Sunday service for a Call of Duty mission. Improvised explosives were found at the scene, because nothing says “targeted violence” like gasoline and patriotism.
The FBI has taken over the investigation, presumably to determine whether Sanford’s hostility toward religious institutions qualifies as “leftist extremism” or just good old-fashioned American chaos. No word yet on whether he was flagged by NSPM-7’s “anti-Christianity” algorithm, but he did own flags, so he might be safe.
Elsewhere in the multiverse, Jacob Chansley — the QAnon Shaman and part-time cosplay enthusiast — filed a $40 trillion lawsuit against Donald Trump, Elon Musk, T-Mobile, Warner Bros., and the State of Israel. In his 26-page single-paragraph manifesto, Chansley declared himself the true president and proposed minting a $40 trillion gold coin to pay off the national debt. He also accused the NSA of catfishing him as actress Michelle Rodriguez to recruit him for interdimensional shamanic duties. The lawsuit alleges that Hollywood plagiarized his ideas for Avatar and The Dark Knight, which is frankly insulting to both franchises.
Chansley, once a loyal Trump supporter, turned on the president after he failed to release the Epstein files. He was pardoned earlier this year, along with 1,500 other “patriots,” in what historians will surely refer to as the Great Cosplay Amnesty of 2025.
And finally, Senator Ted Cruz, in a moment of rhetorical gymnastics, called for bipartisan unity to “stop attacking pedophiles.” While he likely meant to say “stop pedophiles,” the slip was enough to send the internet into a frenzy. Cruz, undeterred, pivoted to crime stats, touting Trump’s crackdown in D.C. where homicides are down 58%, robberies 57%, and awkward Senate hearings up 100%.
Conclusion:
In this week’s episode of “America: The Reality Show,” we learned that pre-crime is patriotic, church arson is just misunderstood activism, shamans are suing for trillions while channeling Michelle Rodriguez, and Ted Cruz might need a grammar coach. As NSPM-7 rolls out its anti-leftist psychic profiling, one can only hope it includes a clause for “extremism in sentence structure.” Because if we’re going to arrest people for dangerous ideas, we might want to start with whoever greenlit this timeline.
Stay tuned next week when Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces a bill to replace the Constitution with a Chick-fil-A menu and the Pentagon launches a task force to investigate whether TikTok dances are coded messages from the Illuminati.
Author: Mel Reese
EMAIL ADDRESS:
melreese72[at]outlook[dot]com